teen spirit

i really, really, really do not want to go back to school tomorrow.

even though i have play practice, and lab. i have no desire to put myself through the rest of the day for a few hours of something close to enjoying myself. i miss basketball. During basketball there was a point in getting through school. During the day when i sat by myself, or when i said something stupid, or when i couldn't think of anything to say at all, i knew that at the end of the day, after basketball, after the patruskas dropped me off at the Gym, i would be close to being ok.

i know that I'm nowhere near the end of anything, and since things are still bad, that its not over yet, but this still sucks. i know i said i was over this dark mood I've had lately, but i had this dream last night, and i wish i could have never woken up.

To know that what i want the most will never ever happen, and to know that what i want would go against every set of morals I've ever professed to have, its like being stabbed every time i let that situation play out in my head.

but who cares right? I'm just the latest screwed up teenager you've seen. nothing special, nothing exceptional. it's perfectly right and normal for you to completely forget me. It's not like anyone is mean to me. Everyone is perfectly polite and kind when they talk to me. But i can see how people pity me. They pity how i don't know how to talk to people, they laugh with their friends about how i say stupid things because i can't think of anything else to say. They may not even notice how I'm always distracted, but they know somethings not right.

and what sucks worse is that they're right. It's not them being mean. its not anyone's fault but mine. People are perfectly willing to let me in, to include me. i just don't know how to handle it.

Agh this is so frustrating