goodbye, farewell

hey crazy kids.

hows it goin? I've decided that being responsible is kinda annoying. i don't want to be responsible. i don't want to look for scholarships. don't want to work out. i don't want to study for my SATs. i want to sit and eat and watch TV.

but anyways. i think I've figured out a way to deal with my life. its not very effective. but it'll do until school is over.

and I've decided that there will be no more blogging for Emily. when Mrs Schwartz came up to me and started talking about how she read my blog. i decided to be done. so, if people are interested in how i am, rather than looking on the world wide web, they can send me a text.

= ] peace out.

favorite song!

It's 2:45 the baby takes his 1st breath
the mother never knew he only had a few left
and the father gets a call in the middle of the night
his breath gets short and his chest gets tight

But he's 16 and he's driving too fast
takes a turn to the left, it would be his last
nobody knows what happens if he turns to the right
no body in the car woulda died that night

But he's 32 and invincible
the cancer he had it was visceral
he never saw it coming
but he had his own life
sick in the morning and he died in the night

We're all so
We're on the line
We're all
We're all [oh]
We're wasted, no no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no no
We're all wasted

He's 7 years old, got his bat in his hand
he's looking for his father and he doesn't understand
'coz dad's too busy got some deals on the way
his son sits alone as the children play

And he's 18 he couldn't wait to move out
his parents wonder what the rush is about
they never bothered with his dreams only thinking of theirs
wonder's why he doesn't call and why he doesn't care

But he's 32 and invincible
witheverything he is based on principle
he never had a truly happy moment in his life
he didn't want the kids and he didn't want his wife

We're wasted, no no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted
We're all wasted
We're all wasted, no no
We're all wasted

23 now, got his life in his hands
he's looking all around and he doesn't understand
'coz life's too busy, things get in the way
we all feel alone every single day

and im 18 couldn't wait to move out
it's been five years and now im starting to doubt
whether all my dreams are just aimless stares
looking out to someplace that isn’t there

when i'm 32 will i be miserable
wheneverything around is based on principle
well, i have a clue,ooo wouldn't it be nice
to never be alone in this wasted life


"Wasted" - cartel

emoness could not be contained

I'm glad this week is over. its been pretty bad. I had play practice twice this week, which usually is good, but play practice is kinda pointless for me, cause in the big final scene I'm on for about 30 seconds at the end, and my big scene where i run the show is totally inconsequential. It's funny and everything, but isn't really important to the plot or the play as a whole. so basically i sit there for 3 hours and work for about an hour. if that. don't get me wrong i love my part, and i love play practice, i wish we had it every day of the week, but it's been kinda frustrating lately.

and school has been gay. its so freaking confusing to feel the way i do. Cause now there's this guy, and i have no idea what he thinks but i'm becoming attached. and that just confuses things worse.

then there are thse people who "care" about me. Which is great and all, its nice to have freinds. but i can't think of one of these people who wouldn't turn around and run away screaming if i told them why i was upset. which is upseting. lol. and ori lives in NC. it sucks havning you're best freind live so far away.

good day

randomly being told someone loves you is usually a nice addtition to the day. = ]

survey.

1. Could you date someone taller than you?
yes

2. When was the last time something bothered you?
school yesterday

3. What would you do if your ex showed up at your door?
shut the door

5. What do you think of this person you took this from?
ori

6. Where was your default picture taken?
creek w/ kay

7. Who was your last text from?
aubrey i think

8. What's the most interesting thing that happened to you today?
slept till noon

9. What's your favorite number?
8

10. Are you single?
yies

11. What is your current mood?
tired

12. Last people you hung out with?
my family i guess?

13. What sports do you enjoy playing?
soccer. Basketball. softball isn't so bad

14. Do you have a crazy side?
indeed

15. Have you ever had a near death experience?
not really

16. What was the highlight of your week?
i don't remember

17. Could you date someone who was a bad kisser?
prolly. it'd be annoying though

18. Who would be the first to know if you got someone pregnant/got pregnant?
ori. or my sister

24. What's the last thing someone said to you?
"feed the cats"

25. Where is your phone?
upstairs

26. Do you like cuddling?
yes = ]

27. Who/what do you hate/dislike currently?
being home

28. Have you ever been given an engagement ring?
nope

29. Would you ever cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend?
nope

30. Would you ever date a friends ex?
depends

32. What is the last thing you thought about?
dunno

33. When is your birthday?
august 27

35. How do you feel about your hair right now?
don't really care

36. Do you miss anyone?
a couple people

37. What do you miss most about the past?
innocence

39. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months without cheating?
who can't?

41. What was your new years resolution?
lose weight

43. Do you think you lead people on?
hahahahaha no.

44. Are you afraid of falling in love?
idk. prolly. never really had the chance to be.

45. Do you have anyone who you consider a brother/sister but they really arent?
yea. cathy and ori.

47. Do you like country music?
not really.

48. Did any of your friends go out with any of your ex's?
nope.

49. Are looks important?
yes. but not the most important

50. Have you ever had someone sing to you?
nope

51. Are you mad at someone right now?
nope


52. Where do you keep your money?
haha what money?

57. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
nope. tattoo as soon as i turn 18 though = ]

58. Do you believe in love?
yes. just not for me.

59. How old do you want to be when you have kids?
after career.

60. What would you do if someone smacked your butt?
depends on who it was

Random

so I've decided that i like water color. for the longest time i would hate any art project that Mrs Dalton made us do that involved water color. But the other day i had the most random urge to go find my old watercolor set and go paint. so i did cause i had time, and now I've decided that water color isn't so horrible after all. Actually right now I'm waiting for the bottom coat of a piece to dry so i can paint a plane. a DC-3 to be exact.

i hate breaks from school. as nice as not having to wake us early is, i hate being bored. because when I'm bored, i think to much. and thinking hurts. haha yea not in that way. nope, thinking makes it feel like my lungs are missing. its hard to breath, then i kick myself cause i know i shouldn't be thinking about this kind of thing anyways. And I've decided i hate the color green. cause every time i see it, i start thinking.

anyways. My dad got home from Charlotte last night, and omg was he in an emo mood. my mom was asleep on the couch when he got home, and he managed to get it in his head that she was sleeping on the couch because she didn't want him to be home. seriously that man is worse than me as far as taking things that actually don't mean anything and assigning way to much to it.
and then he decided that the person he needed to talk to about this was me. i had managed to forget for a little while and it seemed like every thing he said blew the hole in my chest open wider. i don't know why it effected me so bad this time. it wasn't like this was the first time he had ever unloaded all he problems onto me, but it just seemed to open so many old scars. it was wierd.

Also i read my bible for the first time in awhile last night. It was nice. I'm glad though that this year i've been able to hold onto my faith. i know it's not my strength that did it. but i'm glad i still have it.


i really am a happy person. i promise.

and again. sorry about all the randomness.

Stupid

so seriously. people need to Get over high school drama. there are actually real people out there with real problems. whether or not some guy or girl will talk to you, is not a real problem. seriously people. get over yourselves.

when people get all bent out of shape about highschool it makes me want to laugh and scream at the same time. Even if you have problems, leave them with people who care, and if your biggest problem in life is some Guy whose got and head full of rocks who won't talk to you, or is mad cause you don't like him, DUMP HIS BUTT. He'll move on. and if he won't he's not worth the trouble.

So pick yourself up, stop moping around and throwing pity parties for yourself and freakin do somthing about it.

i hate making up titles for these

I've decided that I'm going to stop all this self pitying nonsense. or at least keep it confined to a very small journal i keep under my mattress, and not let it out into the open. Cause face it, no one want to read that and I'm sorry for posting it.

anyways, onto less depressing subjects. I've decided that I'm going to set a goal for how many times I've blogged in a year. see blogger has this cool thing where it counts them, so it'll be easy to keep track. And instead of a vague, " i need to blog more often" I'll actually have a number to aim for. i don't know if that helps anyone else, but i always seem to better things when i have a quantifiable way to know if I'm progressing or succeeding.

my brother and i sat down and watched transformers together today. which was pleasant. i really like being home. when dad's not home i don't really have to care about what anyone thinks. And my brother and i are fairly similar, so when we're getting along we can have a lot of fun. like today, after school, he made coffee and we sat in the kitchen and he talked at me. It's nice when he does that because then i can sort of have a conversation, but he provides most of the words. Actually that's really the only thing, besides him being a guy obviously, that its different about us. I'm fairly quiet, and he never ever shuts up. Which gets annoying, but sometimes its really nice. then i went and worked out, and afterwards we played guitar hero and watched a movie. It was really nice, and knowing i don't have to go to school tomorrow made it even nicer.

i just realized i haven't really blogged about drama in awhile. well i guess right now its kinda boring. we're just blocking, most of us are still reading from scripts, and I'm only in the second act so they don't need me for most of the practices. i assume things will pick up and get more crazy as we get closer and closer to the performance.

By the way i scheduled my road test. I'm taking it on march 24th! I'm so excited! my parents should have to car fixed by then, so I'll be able to drive to work and school and stuff. it'll be nice to have that Independence. I'll prolly get so see Laura more often, cause when i have my license i can drive up there to see her. Oh! and I'm pretty sure my parents will let me drive down to see ori! Agh! i can't wait!

but right now I'm going to bed. sorry about all the randomness.

teen spirit

i really, really, really do not want to go back to school tomorrow.

even though i have play practice, and lab. i have no desire to put myself through the rest of the day for a few hours of something close to enjoying myself. i miss basketball. During basketball there was a point in getting through school. During the day when i sat by myself, or when i said something stupid, or when i couldn't think of anything to say at all, i knew that at the end of the day, after basketball, after the patruskas dropped me off at the Gym, i would be close to being ok.

i know that I'm nowhere near the end of anything, and since things are still bad, that its not over yet, but this still sucks. i know i said i was over this dark mood I've had lately, but i had this dream last night, and i wish i could have never woken up.

To know that what i want the most will never ever happen, and to know that what i want would go against every set of morals I've ever professed to have, its like being stabbed every time i let that situation play out in my head.

but who cares right? I'm just the latest screwed up teenager you've seen. nothing special, nothing exceptional. it's perfectly right and normal for you to completely forget me. It's not like anyone is mean to me. Everyone is perfectly polite and kind when they talk to me. But i can see how people pity me. They pity how i don't know how to talk to people, they laugh with their friends about how i say stupid things because i can't think of anything else to say. They may not even notice how I'm always distracted, but they know somethings not right.

and what sucks worse is that they're right. It's not them being mean. its not anyone's fault but mine. People are perfectly willing to let me in, to include me. i just don't know how to handle it.

Agh this is so frustrating

march 2, 2008

i'm almost recoverd from the emoness of the past few days. i have a feeling it may be hormonal.

But today is fixing to be really boring. we have the free workout at 2 o'clock today. whcih tend to be fun. we're never sure whose gonna come. hopfully we havea big crowd today, its more fun that way.

did i mention i love pandora? pandora is an awesome interenet radio site. it's my favorite.

read it.

imagine a huge Spire of rock, in the middle of the desert, almost vertical, with few cracks or footholds throwing itself up into the clear sky, with the sun beating down as it only can in the desert.

then imagine a Rock climber who spent all day climbing to a dizzying height. he fell at the bottom a few times, he's all scrapped and bruised. but he was almost to where he wanted to be, he was almost satisfied. After getting a good grip on the rock, he took out an anchor and pounded it into the cliff to hold him there and to stop him if he fell.

Then as soon as he is finished, a condor flies at him, angry that he had come near her nest, and he goes screaming to the ground. but just a few meters before he becomes a smear on the rock below, the anchor he had secured catches him, wrenching his back, his harness pulling so tight it gives him rope burns that will scar, but it saves his life.

he hangs for a minute, dazed, but being the kind of guy who finishes what he starts, mentally he begins to steal himself to climb the rock face once again.

He begins, but now the sun is high in the sky and he knows that he doesn't have all the time in the world, so he hurries. he places less anchors and rope holds, using the time he would have spent putting in the anchors, to climb higher even then he had in the morning, in half the time. Fairly pleased with himself he pauses to put in at anchor and he pounds it in until he knows it would take a dynamite blast to take it out. hanging there for a minute to rest, knowing he has time to make it to the top before dark, he looks down at the anchor he placed earlier, the one that saved his life, thankful for that piece of metal cast by someone he never knew. Finally he looks up to the top after catching his breath, and decides he needs to get moving.

He steadily moves up the rock with his faster pace of the afternoon. he climbs and he climbs, but enjoying himself and not really noticing the time or distance fly by. he has been training for this for awhile.

but as he comes over a slight lip of rock, he pulls himself over the edge, into to face of a livid rattlesnake. The rattle snake, assuming him a predator defends itself the only way it knows how, plunging venom filled fangs into his arm. Instinctively he leaps back, into nothing. As he falls he lets out a bloodcurdling scream of pain and despair.

as he falls his adrenaline pumped body lets him watch as his hastily put in anchors began to break out as the full force of his falling frame hits them. as time slows down, he recognized the anchor he stopped to rest at earlier as he passes it.

But suddenly he stops with such speed he feels like his joints have been pulled apart. His one anchor has held, and he hangs ten yards above where he had fell to that morning.

he hangs horizontal in his harness, feeling the venom begin to burn through his arm, his back spasming in pain, his harness digging into his skin. he realizes he is not dead just yet, he's in far to much pain to be dead.

he focuses on breathing in and out, in and out. As the sun slips under the horizon, and as the night rains start to fall, he looks up the mountain.

"now what?"

change

i was sitting here writing down some songs i wanted to go download, and i'm kinda trying to learn to write with my left hand, so i was writing with my left hand. and i thought about somthing Emily said to me on the trip to haiti. we were talking about our families and the annoying but endearing aspects of a few particular people. and she ending up saying somthing that i'll prolly never forget. she said " people can't change who they are. like their inner, base personality. it's jsut impossible and we shouldn't expect them to."

i really hope not. i can learn to write with my left hand, now people can get surguries that really change who they are. But isn't it all pointless if we can't change who we are inside?

how hopless is this life if we hate who we are but can't change it?

but then there is the moral question. is it right to change something that God created a certain way?