hmf

self -destructive behavior normally makes the person happy for a few moments.

=/

mountain of god

Thought that I was all alone, broken and failed
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know that I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

Til You opened my eyes,
I'd never know That I couldn't ever make it without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through, now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road that You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found that You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time, I lose my way
But You are always there to bring me back again

Sometimes, I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare with what's in front of me
With what's in front of me
-third day

this song made me cry tonight. i thik the crying part was because i'm exausted, but the emotion behind it was real. its seems like lately the entire world has been conspiring to keep me from God. things that were getting easier suddenly rear their ugly head again.

but thats the whole point isn't it? to get through the hard parts so that next time you can have confidence in what God can do through you.

birthday!

its my birthday! woot!

i got a new phone, its the new chocolate and it rocks!
today i'm goin down the the DMV to get my permit! i'm so excited! and my brother was so nice and made me breakfast in bed! its turning out to be my best birthday ever!

and last night was my party, and it turned out so much better than i thought it would! people actaully came and had a good time. haha cooper was kinda getting on stephs nerves by the end, but it was ok .

love

i wish i was just a normal, shallow, 15 year old girl. whose biggest worry was if "he" noticed her.

the what, the where, and the how

why is it easier for me to believe that God screwed up? All of the sincere believers i talk to seems to want to believe that God is in control, and that even if they don't know how to deal with the problem, he does and will in his own time.

but for me, i always want to say," back off God, you messed up and now i gotta fix it" I don't think I've ever truly given a situation or problem up to God, which is probably why i can't attest to his power. I know about his love, I inadvertently beaten that lesson in many times. But I've never "seen" his power at work.

I wonder is it a maturity thing? The who and the when are the easy part, but i don't know the whats, the where's, or the hows. i feel so lost in the vast shallowness of christian cliches and skin deep belief. I look at devote Muslims and Hindus, and frankly they don't act much different from us. i wonder if there is any difference? merely a common need for stability? a cosmic parent who will kiss it and make it better?

I'm confused.

on the downside

it seems like i always catch things at the tail end.

like with soccer, the two years before i was old enough to play, were the best two years that soccer at our school has ever had. Then the year i played we were pretty good, then the next year we were ok, and this year is gonna be interesting.

and with drama, the couple of years before i started, seemed to have the greatest people, the best energy and memories. and then when i can start, we have the people left over from the good plays and a director that we know isn't coming back and happens to be exhausted and frustrated with the lack of talent.

and with basketball, the girls team won sectionals three years in a row. were set to do ok the next year. then the Hudsons left, and the seniors graduated, now we're left with a bunch of inexperienced short girls that are lacking on the talent side as well.

its seems like everything i get involved in has just hit its peek.

But anyways, i can have fun while I'm at it right?

soccer,dogs, and haiti...o my!

soccer started yesterday, and i wasn't particularly excited about it. i don't even really know why. all the reasons i would not want to play don't really work for me cause i jsut don't care. idk maybe its cause it means school is starting soon. ugh.



another wierd thing. normally, i can't wait to see the people in school, and dread the thought of the actual school work. this year, the thought of having to relearn my painfully acquired( yet pathetically underdeveloped) people skills is like contemplating the thought of a colonoscopy. i REAlly don't want to do it. But i'm actaully looking forward to the learning and stuff. i mean homwork always sucks, but i'm actually not worried. idk, its wierd.



we got a new dog a couple weeks ago, his name is ozzie and he is and australian cattle dog. (pictures coming as soon as i figure out how to put them on) he is absolutely adorable accept for one thing, he pees in the house. my room in particular and its starting to get really, really annoying. i do like having a dog again though. Its nice to have somthing to play with and pet when you're sad.



And i FINALLY got my hati support letters done. that is deffinatly the worst part of the whole process. i don't know why, but i HATE asking people for money even for somthing like this. it just realy bothers me. but unfortunatly, without support i can't really go can i?



i'm gonna go to bed now cause i'm exhausted.