Long Post. be prepared.

Hows life been?

as you can see from my previous post, i decided awhile ago that i think blogging is a by product of a self-obsessed culture. but hey, when in Rome?

so update on my activities since August:
Soccer season was amazing, and i kinda still wish it was still going on, even though its getting cold out. Basically we had the awesomest team ever. it was really small, we only had 12 to 14 players depending on who was hurt, but instead of letting it bother us, the team really stepped up this year.
It seemed like this year everyone cared. In past years it's seemed like half the team was only there because they felt they had too or because they were using soccer to get in shape for basketball. This year everyone wanted to be there and it made a huge difference in how we played, how we related to one another, and how much we won. We ended the season with a 9-7-1 record, the best I've ever been on. Perhaps that's a little pathetic, but it was really a great season and I'm gonna miss it.

School is really crappy. I've never struggled with school work like this before. and its not just normal senoritis, which i have an advanced case of. No my brain is just not functioning at the usual pace. i don't understand material, i forget my homework, and Mrs minter and Mrs Schwartz's attitude about class is distracting and makes it hard to focus.

its partly my fault. haha I've been trying to be stupid for so long its finally catching up to me. Oh well.

Basketball Started a couple of weeks ago. i don't know how its gonna go. i don't even want to play, but i felt like i had to cause you know its my senior year, "last chance" and all that crap. But they team is looking good. we all work together really well and i don't think there's going to be a lot of drama, which will help. Also everyone's gotten better since last year and we have some young new talent in the form of Alexis M. Si i don't know, we;'ll see how it goes. it would help if the season wasn't so incredibly long.

Oh and i was part of stage crew for drama. i wasn't in the play because my dad was pissed at me and wouldn't let me, but also because of soccer and school work and stuff. But stage crew was fun, and the cast party was a freakin riot. me and Alex played Water Pong = ] stupid anti-alcohol christian rules. lol = ]

this fall has been pretty fun actually. the first quarter just wrapped up and my grades were ok. Ashley, Dass, Stepha and i have gotten closer because of soccer and we've been hangin out a lot. its been fun, i like having friends = ]

Now onto the subject of colleges:

I HATE COLLEGE STUFF

doing applications gives me headaches. i hate arguing with my mom about where i want to go. i hate wanting to go to smith even though its like the definition of a radically Liberal college.
and they make you write a FREAKIN TON. ugh. I'm gonna quit school and be a hobo.

and i hate hate hate hate the word lesbian.
it has such an incredibly negative connotation. Its associated with all the stuff I've been taught is wrong but i have no problem with. Why can't we just let people be in love? I've heard and understood all the arguments against homosexuality( another word i hate)but personal experience has refuted them beyond reasonable doubt. I love people who love the "wrong people" I've loved the "wrong person" for nearly a year now, and besides the usual pain of unrequited love, no one's been hurt, and i can't see why its wrong. I'm sorry i just can't.

*sigh*...ok rant is over now. Next:

There's a major update that needs to reach the people i love, but I'm super scared of how they're gonna respond, how should i say it?

And i have a new favorite song, its called "Cheap and Cheerful" by The Kills here are the lyrics:

I'm bored of cheap and cheerful
I want expensive sadness
hospital bills, parole
open doors to madness

I want you to be crazy cos you're boring baby when you're straight
I want you to be crazy cos you're stupid baby when you're sane

I'm sick of social graces
show your sharp-tipped teeth
lose your cool in public
dig that illegal meat

cos love is just a dialogue
you can survive on ice cream
you got the same needs as a dog

it's alright to be mean
it's alright to be mean
I want you to be crazy cos you're boring baby when you're straight
I want you to be crazy cos you're stupid baby when you're sane

it's alright to be mean
it's alright to be mean
I want you to be crazy cos you're boring baby when you're straight
I want you to be crazy cos you're stupid baby when you're sane

aha isn't it awesome? = ]
and i have a new hero: Thirteen from house. and the actress who plays her (Olivia Wilde) is fricken awesome. she speaks french and is a huge sponsor of doctors without borders. And shes been married for 6 years, which is fabulous and rare thees days in Hollywood.

Ok I'm done now. Respond pleez it would be super nice of you. emwads@yahoo.com for those who need it. talk to ya'll later and maybe I'll post again in a month.

PS soccer is going really well.

Two Things:

its my birthday! well, in like a week. but still. I'll finally be seventeen. usually i really couldn't care less about the actual number, i just care about the new stuff i can do, but i hate being 16. 17 just sounds so much better i think. it doesn't really have all of the immature, negative connotations that being 16 does.

and secondly, i decided that i think that blogging is a tad narcissistic.
but that's just my opinion.

i ♥ the olympics

i've decided that my future husband will be a member of the chinese gymnastics team.

phelps is cute and everything, but seriously go take a look at those guys.

summer sucks.

agh!

summer is so frusterating.
i havn't talked to anyone in forever.
i was soooo busy before with my classes, and now i'm soooo bored now that they are over.
i miss all my school freinds, but unfortunatly, they all either live like a half an hour away or have boy freinds and best freinds they'd rather hang out with.
grrrr.

anyways. really there's nothing going on in my life right now, so i'm sure why i'm blogging.
but my B-day is in 22 days, and i'm a lil excited about that.

on the other hand, i'm sort of having a party, which is a downer, cause i suck at throwing parties, and barely any people my age will actually show up, and i just hate parties. but i have to have one casue there's really no other way to get presents, and people sort of expect people to throw parties when it's their birthday.

= [

so. i'm bored. and frustrated. and without a half decent book to read.

???

ANNOUNCMENT!:

i am officially the biggest nerd in the world.

its something that I've suspected for awhile now. but the fact was really driven home the other day, when, with out smoking anything, i met my math teacher for lunch.

harmless right?

except that it wasn't cause i was in trouble. Nope, it was for FUN.

i feel like such a dork.
but really? whats wrong with me that i enjoy the company of adults and cool people like the Schwartz twins and Mrs Reiman more that people my age? isn't it more normal for teenagers to be awkward around adults and comfortable with their peers? i don't know. I'm just a strange one i guess.

additional thought: what should i do when adults confide in me? seeing as how the only who read this are adults. help me out here. If you decided that a someone like me was the one that you could talk to about your life, how would you want me to react?

English is my least favorite

Another idea that last post just made me think of.

do you realize how limited the english language is in its descriptive words?

i hate trying to explain how somthing looks, sounds, or especially how somthing smells. It just seems like there aren't ever the right words for what that sense ment to you.

and other languages seem much more specific in their adjectives. Its funny to listen to a pastor trying the use a paragrach of english words to try to explain somthing that the greeks said in a word.

Language of the soul

i think one of Gods most amazin creations is music.

for me at least, the music i listen to is the side of my personality i allow to become dominant. My mom says that "music is the language of the soul." and the more i think about that the more it makes sense.

last year when i was going through my hardcore emo times, all i listened to basically was the band evanescence. They are amazing musicians, and amy lee has one of the most hauntingly beautiful voices i've heard. But the tone and feel of their songs is that of complete and total despair. I you have to listen to them to really understand.

But my attitude and feeling about everything pretty much mirrored that feeling expressed in those songs i loved. i was miserable. thats really the only was to describe it.

About the same time i decided that i needed to change was about the same time i realized how those songs were effecting me. i made a consious decision to stop listening to that kind of music. The bands whose words would say that my actions were justified. And i think more than anything else that has been my major support in rebuiling myself as somthing better. i still absolutly love the band evanescence, but i understand that i cannot allow myself to listen to them. their effect on me is too strong.

and when you think about it, even outside of that slightly embarrassing revelation about my past, when you meet someone new, and you find out that they like the same kind of music as you, there is a sudden feeling of kinship. I might be going way out on a limb here, but it's something i've noticed in myself as well as the behavior of other people.

I don't know if its just a teenager thing, but i deffinatly think music is what effects me most.