a lot of people, including my family who should know me pretty well, say that i am an unhappy person.
this is quite upsetting because i don't think i am an unhappy person. I'm not overly bouncy and excited all the time. i don't talk as much as some people i know. i think about things and I'm a bit of a fatalist/realist. but i don't think i am and unhappy person. In fact I'm happy most of the time.
something i am very happy about is SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER!!! YAY!!!
this year has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.
its started with soccer season, and a promising start at that. We had won all of our first six games by land slides, everyone was working together, we all had a good attitudes, not a lot of injuries, life was good. Then the Hudsons left, creating a mess of emotions for everyone. we lost the next game and had to put our all into every game we won after that, and at the end of the season we were barely 500.
Near the end of soccer season i started the play, seeing as how i had the smallest part, it wasn't a big part of my life until the week of dress rehearsals. but what a week it was. i got to know Bee and Em learned my lines, figured out all the inside jokes, felt nauseous over Renee's pathetically obvious brown nosing, and really enjoyed the whole thing. The cast party was awesome and we went to Perkins! yay!
we had basketball which started right before the play ended. it was awesome. i discovered that basketball could be fun and lighthearted. i met Jess, which started a era of self loathing and doubt. we had a good season, uninterrupted by Haiti = [ we weren't particularly amazing, but we had fun. Then we had the second play, which was joy tempered by sadness knowing that bee, and therefore em, wasn't gonna be there next time.
then there was Kay and i being our crazy unpredictable selves. With Coffee, walks and big amount mistakes before play practice creating a memories i will always cherish. Not having Ori around was sucky, but it helped Kay's and my friendship to continue and strengthen.
we had art Meghan and i with all of our crazy jokes: "YOU'RE BANNED!", Nicole never getting anything done, EMO POWER!, shut up log boy! and others.
ski trips with kayla, burmolester, mr tumnus and squinta, YOU"RE WRONG!, and Rachel and - "cranky pants"
this year was great
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
SO annoying
you know those people who talk CONSTANTLY about God?
i don't just mean a good christian, who by definition should speak about the most important thing in their life, i mean those people who talk of NOTHING ELSE!
and they're never the pastors, never the church or Sunday school leaders, they're the holier than thou, beat you over the head with a bible type of person.
how does one get rid of them?
what did they talk about before they became a christian? did they just not talk at all? i guess you may get used to it, oh my, can we PLEASE think of another subject?
i mean didn't God create everything? like the weather? frankly I'd much rather talk about the freakin weather that keep listening to people drone on and on about about God.
by no means am i saying i am a good christian. far from it actually, but would you think that Logically God would like us to actually have lives? albeit lives that include him in everything, but still lives?
i don't just mean a good christian, who by definition should speak about the most important thing in their life, i mean those people who talk of NOTHING ELSE!
and they're never the pastors, never the church or Sunday school leaders, they're the holier than thou, beat you over the head with a bible type of person.
how does one get rid of them?
what did they talk about before they became a christian? did they just not talk at all? i guess you may get used to it, oh my, can we PLEASE think of another subject?
i mean didn't God create everything? like the weather? frankly I'd much rather talk about the freakin weather that keep listening to people drone on and on about about God.
by no means am i saying i am a good christian. far from it actually, but would you think that Logically God would like us to actually have lives? albeit lives that include him in everything, but still lives?
Mans best freind
my dog got hit by a car on Friday.
my dad and i were on the other side of the road helping this guy who had broken down across the street, my mom was leaving to go to kickboxing and the Dog was outside.
he was kinda old and his hearing was starting to go and i even thought , "i should put him inside" but then i thought no, hes crossed the road before without getting hit and went back to pushing the car. then about 4 seconds later i look up and BAM with a sound like a freakin gunshot, i see the dog I've had for 11 years go flying down the road.
he was dead when i got to him, so i assume he didn't feel any pain.
it makes you realize how much life can change in an instant.
i had been having a terrible day at the end of a terrible week, my parents were busy and my brother antagonistic. but kane just barked his hello when i shuffled in through the door and came up wagging his tail like he was still a puppy. i wish i hadn't brushed him off, hoping he would go away.
he was the one that loved me no matter what i did. he would love me when i came home from basketball and drama and cried in my room until my parents had gone to bed, he would sit by my bed and push his head against my hand until i petted him, perhaps after so long he had figured out that if he stayed there i didn't cry as long. he even loved me when i had yelled at him cause john was being a jerk.
his favorite game of all was where he would grab a stick in his mouth, and then i would chase him trying to get it from him. when i got it we would wrestle for it for a minute then it would start all over again.
i know its not her fault. but i hope the girl in who hit him has to get a new car. she took a family member from us, and she didn't even have the guts to stick around.
my dad and i were on the other side of the road helping this guy who had broken down across the street, my mom was leaving to go to kickboxing and the Dog was outside.
he was kinda old and his hearing was starting to go and i even thought , "i should put him inside" but then i thought no, hes crossed the road before without getting hit and went back to pushing the car. then about 4 seconds later i look up and BAM with a sound like a freakin gunshot, i see the dog I've had for 11 years go flying down the road.
he was dead when i got to him, so i assume he didn't feel any pain.
it makes you realize how much life can change in an instant.
i had been having a terrible day at the end of a terrible week, my parents were busy and my brother antagonistic. but kane just barked his hello when i shuffled in through the door and came up wagging his tail like he was still a puppy. i wish i hadn't brushed him off, hoping he would go away.
he was the one that loved me no matter what i did. he would love me when i came home from basketball and drama and cried in my room until my parents had gone to bed, he would sit by my bed and push his head against my hand until i petted him, perhaps after so long he had figured out that if he stayed there i didn't cry as long. he even loved me when i had yelled at him cause john was being a jerk.
his favorite game of all was where he would grab a stick in his mouth, and then i would chase him trying to get it from him. when i got it we would wrestle for it for a minute then it would start all over again.
i know its not her fault. but i hope the girl in who hit him has to get a new car. she took a family member from us, and she didn't even have the guts to stick around.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
i wish i guy like this existed for me.
A dozen roses arrive
What a perfect surprise
You greet me with a kiss
I could get used to this
You think I look the best
When my hair is a mess
I can't believe you exist
I could get used to this
Because you know you're too good to be true
I must have done something good to meet you'
Cause you wrote my name all across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this
I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
I've lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this
You love the songs I write
You like the movies I like
There must be some kind of twist
I could get used to this
Because you listen to me when I'm depressed
It doesn't seem to make you like me less'
Cause you wrote my name all across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this
I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
I've lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this
If there's a dark side to you I haven't seen it
Every good thing you do feels like you mean it
You wrote my name all across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this
I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
I've lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this'
Cause you wrote my name all across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this
I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
I've lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this
What a perfect surprise
You greet me with a kiss
I could get used to this
You think I look the best
When my hair is a mess
I can't believe you exist
I could get used to this
Because you know you're too good to be true
I must have done something good to meet you'
Cause you wrote my name all across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this
I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
I've lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this
You love the songs I write
You like the movies I like
There must be some kind of twist
I could get used to this
Because you listen to me when I'm depressed
It doesn't seem to make you like me less'
Cause you wrote my name all across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this
I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
I've lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this
If there's a dark side to you I haven't seen it
Every good thing you do feels like you mean it
You wrote my name all across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this
I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
I've lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this'
Cause you wrote my name all across your hand
When I freak you understand
There is not a thing you miss
And I could get used to this
I'm feeling it comin' over me
With you it all comes naturally
I've lost the reflex to resist
And I could get used to this
Friday, April 13, 2007
An Aspect of Perfection
There is a piece of each person that is perfect and good. A Christian would say that it is an aspect of the God in whose image we were created. A spiritual gift if you will. An Evolutionist would say it was the culmination of 200 million years of guess and check.
Whatever it is, I have seen it to often too ever deny its existence; these moments of purity of mind a motivation.In my friend Kay it is unstoppable childlike optimism. In laura it is the abiblity to be totally non-judgmental. In Bee it is compassion for those who don't deserve it. For me it is humor and undivided focus. In my father it is a love of sharing knowledge. In my mother its is selfless giving. In Ori it is defending those who can't or won't defend themselves. In Mr. Mac it is discerning the correct course and following it. In my friend Alyssa it is discerning a need and meeting it.
These traits are not always shown. But when they shine through a rough exterior something beautiful in born. Sometimes a life is saved.
When I wonder about humanity as a whole, whether or not we will survive to bear witness to the end of Gods plan. Or if there's any point in existing at all. When I see terrorists and rapists. When I despair.I see a moment of pure and unadulterated kindness or compassion and my hopes are restored.
That’s my philosophical/optomistic tidbit for the month = ]
Whatever it is, I have seen it to often too ever deny its existence; these moments of purity of mind a motivation.In my friend Kay it is unstoppable childlike optimism. In laura it is the abiblity to be totally non-judgmental. In Bee it is compassion for those who don't deserve it. For me it is humor and undivided focus. In my father it is a love of sharing knowledge. In my mother its is selfless giving. In Ori it is defending those who can't or won't defend themselves. In Mr. Mac it is discerning the correct course and following it. In my friend Alyssa it is discerning a need and meeting it.
These traits are not always shown. But when they shine through a rough exterior something beautiful in born. Sometimes a life is saved.
When I wonder about humanity as a whole, whether or not we will survive to bear witness to the end of Gods plan. Or if there's any point in existing at all. When I see terrorists and rapists. When I despair.I see a moment of pure and unadulterated kindness or compassion and my hopes are restored.
That’s my philosophical/optomistic tidbit for the month = ]
Saturday, April 7, 2007
I remember..
whats happened?
that's pretty much all i can say.
i remember when rules were absolutes. i remember when dad said something it was finished. there was no quarter.
i remember when a mistake was unacceptable. this sounds harsh, but it made me better. its sounds horrible, but it kept order and made things predictable.
i remember when touchy-feely didn't exist, when a hug was sacred. we showed affection in other, more meaningful ways.
i remember when they showed true and real emotion, and they showed that life wasn't easy, but if you try real hard, you'll get what you need.
i remember when discipline was pure and final. perhaps shown to much. but the consequences of your actions were always known.
i remember when Easter candy was about anticipation and excitement, not about obligation or meaningless tradition.
i remember when Christmas was about God and you saw him in the excitement and the love shown by family. not having to get a tree and decorate it.
i remember when life was about duty and obligation, not about whining about it.
i wish remembering wasn't the only thing i could do about it.
is this growing up?
life losing all sparkle and shine?
losing what you get to do, replaced by who and what you have to be?
that's pretty much all i can say.
i remember when rules were absolutes. i remember when dad said something it was finished. there was no quarter.
i remember when a mistake was unacceptable. this sounds harsh, but it made me better. its sounds horrible, but it kept order and made things predictable.
i remember when touchy-feely didn't exist, when a hug was sacred. we showed affection in other, more meaningful ways.
i remember when they showed true and real emotion, and they showed that life wasn't easy, but if you try real hard, you'll get what you need.
i remember when discipline was pure and final. perhaps shown to much. but the consequences of your actions were always known.
i remember when Easter candy was about anticipation and excitement, not about obligation or meaningless tradition.
i remember when Christmas was about God and you saw him in the excitement and the love shown by family. not having to get a tree and decorate it.
i remember when life was about duty and obligation, not about whining about it.
i wish remembering wasn't the only thing i could do about it.
is this growing up?
life losing all sparkle and shine?
losing what you get to do, replaced by who and what you have to be?
Saturday, March 17, 2007
The play, God, Examples..
well the play is over.... = [[[
I'm so sad cause this play has changed me so much. i thought that there would be no way we could pull it off a week ago. we hadn't gotten in enough practices, we weren't really acting serious about it. Bee was obviously doubtful that we were ready. but the awesome thing was that Bee, and the Seniors and Em all seemed to really trust God that we would be able to do it. and i was like wow...
and lo and behold we did the performances better than i thought possible.
But the fact that Bee is having a baby in like 3 weeks kinds ruins the prospect of doing it again next year.
I'm so happy for them (bee and tom) and this is soooo not about me, but it won't be the same without them. bee and em have shown such devotion and kindness its kinda hard to believe.
lol we had the cast party last night and i don't think I've ever seen more people crying over one person. She has touched all of us so much, even me, whose only known her for 2 plays, was sobbing. (that's partly my personality but still) and the fact that she seemed to have a place in her heart for every single one of us, even for the people like me that have only known her for a little while was just so amazing. i hope she realizes the godly example she set for me.
on Monday, kay and i lied to her. we told her we were goin out to talk to our parents and we weren't. kay actually left but that's not the point. she found out somehow and we talked about it. i told her i didn't believe she cared about me because she didn't know me very well. that was the second lie, now i feel horrible about it. cause she seemed to really want me to believe her, like it was important to her that i knew she cared about me. yea i feel like crap about that now...
= [
anyways, onto other things. today i read my bible a seriously prayed for the first time since before basketball started. it was awesome. people wonder why they don't get a lot out of reading their bibles, and i wondered the same thing, now i know its all about how your approaching it. is your reading the Bible so you can "get something out of it" then your prolly not gonna get a whole heck of a lot. but if you approach it as a way to communicate with God, and way to hear him respond to your prayers, then your more likely to hear something, it may not be what you want to hear, but its something.
i think i have my life going the right way finally. i realized that i hate what i am now, and the only way i can change is to put my trust in God. i don't know how to do the whole christian thing, and i don't really understand how to have a relationship with Him, but i trust that he'll lead me to the right places.
and now that i look back on these last couple of years . I've fell away from God. but he has introduced people into my life that have given me such a great example. i think if i didn't know these people then i would be a lot farther from God than i am.
and because i would think it was awesome to be that person for someone I'm going to list their names: pastor Garret, Coach Clark, Jess, Bee, Em, Liz, Kara, Megan S.. the list goes on but i can't think of them right now. but thank you guys for being an awesome example and thank you God for allowing me back into your arms.
= ]
I'm so sad cause this play has changed me so much. i thought that there would be no way we could pull it off a week ago. we hadn't gotten in enough practices, we weren't really acting serious about it. Bee was obviously doubtful that we were ready. but the awesome thing was that Bee, and the Seniors and Em all seemed to really trust God that we would be able to do it. and i was like wow...
and lo and behold we did the performances better than i thought possible.
But the fact that Bee is having a baby in like 3 weeks kinds ruins the prospect of doing it again next year.
I'm so happy for them (bee and tom) and this is soooo not about me, but it won't be the same without them. bee and em have shown such devotion and kindness its kinda hard to believe.
lol we had the cast party last night and i don't think I've ever seen more people crying over one person. She has touched all of us so much, even me, whose only known her for 2 plays, was sobbing. (that's partly my personality but still) and the fact that she seemed to have a place in her heart for every single one of us, even for the people like me that have only known her for a little while was just so amazing. i hope she realizes the godly example she set for me.
on Monday, kay and i lied to her. we told her we were goin out to talk to our parents and we weren't. kay actually left but that's not the point. she found out somehow and we talked about it. i told her i didn't believe she cared about me because she didn't know me very well. that was the second lie, now i feel horrible about it. cause she seemed to really want me to believe her, like it was important to her that i knew she cared about me. yea i feel like crap about that now...
= [
anyways, onto other things. today i read my bible a seriously prayed for the first time since before basketball started. it was awesome. people wonder why they don't get a lot out of reading their bibles, and i wondered the same thing, now i know its all about how your approaching it. is your reading the Bible so you can "get something out of it" then your prolly not gonna get a whole heck of a lot. but if you approach it as a way to communicate with God, and way to hear him respond to your prayers, then your more likely to hear something, it may not be what you want to hear, but its something.
i think i have my life going the right way finally. i realized that i hate what i am now, and the only way i can change is to put my trust in God. i don't know how to do the whole christian thing, and i don't really understand how to have a relationship with Him, but i trust that he'll lead me to the right places.
and now that i look back on these last couple of years . I've fell away from God. but he has introduced people into my life that have given me such a great example. i think if i didn't know these people then i would be a lot farther from God than i am.
and because i would think it was awesome to be that person for someone I'm going to list their names: pastor Garret, Coach Clark, Jess, Bee, Em, Liz, Kara, Megan S.. the list goes on but i can't think of them right now. but thank you guys for being an awesome example and thank you God for allowing me back into your arms.
= ]
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